Love in uniform: trials and triumphs of armed forces’ first couple with 3-star rank

Kanitkar retired as deputy chief integrated defence staff before taking up her new job as vice-chancellor of Maharashtra University of Health Sciences, Nashik. She was the third woman in the country and the first paediatrician from the armed forces to wear the rank of lieutenant general. Lt Gen Rajeev Kanitkar, an armoured corps officer, retired as the Army’s quartermaster general in 2017.

Kanitkar recalls a visit by Kiran Bedi, the first woman IPS officer in the country, to MUHS for its silver jubilee. “She encouraged us to write a book. But it was Rajeev who decided to write my biography. Since our lives are so intertwined, we agreed on a collaborative approach. He would write the chapters, and I would provide a short summary at the end of each one, sharing my perspective,” says Kanitkar. She adds with a smile, “After all, as a wife, I’m expected to have the last word.”

As a top student at BJ Medical College, it wasn’t hard for Kanitkar to convince her father to let her join the Armed Forces Medical College, especially after she met a “charming Second Lieutenant Rajeev” at a cousin’s wedding, sparking her enthusiasm for a new chapter in life. However, some dreams went unfulfilled when the AFMC topper couldn’t return to her alma mater for postgraduate studies.

“Rajeev initially wrote about some of the tough situations I faced in the organisation alone, with a feeling of angst and unfairness,” Kanitkar explains. “But we discussed that these were organisational decisions by authorities and not to be unhappy, as it was these that made us tougher. Those were just the policies back then; for example, as a short service commission officer, I lost my seniority.”

Kanitkar also remembers the negative vibes she felt from some on her return to the AFMC as head of the paediatric department, as well as the challenges she faced when nominated to the Prime Minister’s Science, Technology and Innovation Advisory Council (PM-STIAC) and the Board of Governors for the erstwhile Medical Council of India. “However, now the book presents the events in a neutral and factual manner,” Kanitkar says.

Written from the husband’s perspective, the book is divided into six parts. “The aim is also to inspire the younger generation of ambitious, courageous women who face unique challenges today. It’s important to understand that life can’t always be ‘my way or the highway’. We need to adjust and support each other, becoming each other’s strengths. Rajeev never once asked me to give up my work and join him at his postings. He did not think twice before sacrificing his career path to support me,” she recalls. Kanitkar also delayed her super-specialisation for their children.

Parenting in uniform wasn’t easy, and leadership in the armed forces is not just about a position. “It is a mindset. Rajeev and I climbed the ladder of higher leadership, focusing on growing together without growing apart,” Kanitkar says. She also narrates a humorous incident when the armed forces ensured that she received her own card on her wedding anniversary.

“I was in Pathankot, and Rajeev was in Hisar. We had numbered addresses—Rajeev’s being 17 H c/o 56 APO, and mine 167 MH c/o 56 APO. I remember buying a fancy card for our 16th anniversary but didn’t realise the envelope’s back and front looked identical. The sender’s name, Lt Col M Kanitkar, and address were on the back, while the recipient’s name, Lt Col R Kanitkar, was on the front. Imagine my surprise when I received what I thought was a card from Rajeev, only to discover it was my own!” she laughs.

The couple cherishes this amusing memory, with Kanitkar often joking that the Army ensured she received the card on time because Rajeev would never have remembered to send it otherwise. “Moments like these add so much depth to our relationship,” she reflects. “While ambition is important, it’s equally vital to recognise when to pause, adjust, and lean on your support network.”